Whether or not you’re on a tenting ride or a zoo tour wherein you and your boyfriend drop acid and end up within the macaque enclosure, there are a variety of methods you might stumble upon a wild animal. Most of the time, wild animals want nothing to do with people. But, if you somehow turn out to be head to head with one, preserve these suggestions in thoughts.
Make Yourself Big
This is critical. If you encounter a wild animal, try and intimidate it. That method status tall and waving your hands—do some thing you may to seem enforcing. Here’s why: you’re about to die (no risk of survival) and you might as well exit with a bang.
Stand Your Ground
I’m telling you right now, you’re now not getting out of this alive. I want to God you hadn’t encounter this grizzly endure. I desire you’d just long gone to Barcelona such as you originally planned. But rather you went with the eleven-day Alaska trek. Let me simply ask—did you are aware of it’s a horrible idea to be round grizzlies when they emerge from hibernation? That took me five seconds to Google. I’m no longer pointing fingers; it’s miles what it’s far. So puff out your chest, stand in a extensive X function, and meet your destiny like a person.
You just died. I recognize, it’s very upsetting. But don’t panic. Death is honestly a rebirth, and it could be a stunning enjoy if you permit it. Sounds corny, but go in the direction of the mild. Allow your soul to detach out of your body and float gently upward. Whatever you do, don’t look down at your body. It’ll simply freak you out. Seriously, do no longer appearance down at— O.K. You did it. You regarded down at your frame. Hoo boy. Well, that’s going to set you returned. Because proper now you’re in surprise. And pretty soon you’re going to begin shrieking. Unfortunately, doing so as to make the transition lots less first-class. All right, you’re shrieking up a storm. I realize it feels not possible, however try to relax. Trust me, shrieking best makes it— Ah, shit. Your soul’s breaking up into a gazillion tiny debris because of all this hysterical shrieking. You are in for one rocky journey. The reunification process can closing days, if no longer weeks. I’m begging you, simply take some deep breaths. Just take even one breath among shrieks. Can we do this? One shriek, one breath? Sh-h-h. Sh-h-h. That’s it. Good! You’re doing remarkable.
Head to the area of natural light, where you’re one with all beings. This is the Heaven element. Turns out anybody gets to go to Heaven! It’s just that your Heaven experience relies upon on how many HeavenBucks you have to spend. Hey, feel like some appropriate information? Getting eaten alive really scored you fifteen HeavenBucks. That’s a lot—you only need three to shop for a gun. And you could use your leftover dollars for plenty of different stuff, like EarthTix, which assist you to go back to Earth for an afternoon to do any wide variety of factors, like watch human beings have intercourse, or—nicely, there need to be other uses for EarthTix, but that’s the only one I’ve seen people cross for.
Bang Pots and Pans to Scare the Animal Away
I need to have mentioned this in advance. This certainly could have helped lots. In truth, it possibly might have achieved the trick. For some thing motive, pots and pans are just sincerely powerful. Way extra so than simply status up and waving your palms around, like you did. Again, I actually express regret for not suggesting pots and pans before. I virtually hope we are able to flow past this.
Stay Downwind of the Animal
Yeah, you probable should have commenced with this one. Look, I sense like an absolute ass here.
O.K., I admit I’ve been preoccupied. I’m going through a lot. It’s no excuse for being so off my recreation, but there it’s far. Seriously, I’m furious with myself. Playing lifeless works virtually properly quite a few the time, too. God rattling it.
At any price, I wager now you’ve mastered this step, huh? Sorry. Too quickly? Here, take ten of my HeavenBucks.
Hey, in which are you going?
Very humorous. You just cashed to your HeavenBucks to devote a HeavenMurder, and you’re on foot toward me with a violent glint on your eye. Listen, “killing” me would possibly sense proper inside the moment, but what’s it going to perform? It gained’t deliver you lower back to existence, and I gained’t without a doubt die, I’ll simply diffuse into a mist for, like, forty-5 minutes.
Look, for two HeavenBucks I’ll take you to the bear that killed you. The park ranger tracked it down and shot it dead. Wouldn’t it be amusing to, like, kick the carcass or something? I don’t recognise.
All right, i’m going to make myself large now. I’m going to stand in a extensive x position and keep my fingers over my head to intimidate you!
Hey! Hey! Go away, O.K.? Ouch! That’s my skull! Sorry if it’s a sore subject, but why didn’t you do that with the bear? ♦